August 15, 1994
Can I believe that I am unique?
That there is no one in the whole world who is like me?
Can I believe that I do have rights?
And that I have the freedom to see, hear, talk, ask, feel and take risks?
I don't know if I can.
I believe I am a false me.
I am hiding behind walls and I am numbing my feelings.
And I use addictions as a shield.
Why was this false me created?
I am starting to remember:
As a child I was hit, hurt and abused.
I was told to be quiet, perfect, studious, strong.
I was taught not to show feelings.
And I learned that I only could be loved when I was not myself,
Or when I did what others wanted,
Inside I was insecure,afraid , full of pain and very lonely.
I tried to find my self worth in others, but it did not work.
When I did not get what I so desperately wanted,
I started to blame and resent.
I became self-righteous, bitter and judgmental.
I also became a people-pleaser, a victim and a martyr.
I did not know how to give, to receive or to love.
I was never taught.
I did not realize that I used my husband, my daughters,
My work and my studies, to create a false identity.
I was not aware that people pleasing and rescuing
Are forms of control and manipulation.
I did not know that I was trying to change people,
So that they could live up to my expectations,
Fill my voids and suit my needs.
There was so much I did not know.
And the saddest thing was that I did not realize
That I was hurting myself and others.
My spirit was dying and I too, wanted to die.
I blamed my husband for all my unmet needs and wants.
When I separated, he went to my only friend.
The pain could not be numbed anymore.
The feelings caused intense panic, loneliness and hurt.
I had to start grieving my losses.
But there was still so much pain,
And every time I tried to numb it, it came up, again and again.
And now I realize that I have to face my false self.
What I am finding is not pleasant,
But I am learning that I do not have to be perfect,
Because I am human.
The changing of behaviors is very scary.
Pain is familiar and known.
The lonely prison with its steel walls feels safe.
Yet I know that in order to find my real self,
I will need to break free.
I believe that somewhere out there,
A new beginning may be found.
There will be love and life.
There are friends who have faith in me.
So for now I will try to accept that I am me,
And that I am okay the way I am.
Elisabeth Leonore
Copyrighted 1994-2001
