September 23, 1998
It's so easy to accept me when I am strong
When I look good, when I am attractive,
Feeling positive, creative and sensual
Filled with energy and love.
When I 'do', perform and give.
When I am smiling and 'up'.
Then I can accept me too.
Then I feel so powerful
That it seems I don't need anybody.
But can you accept me
When I am down, when I don't look good,
When I don't 'do' things and thus procrastinate?
When I am so low that I can't even look after myself?
When all I want to do is hide and stay alone.
I know it is difficult, because then I can't accept me either..
So, how can I expect you to...
Today I need to cry...
But how do I dare allow you to see my tears?
How do I dare show myself to you?
I feel so weak, so confused,
The tears are rolling down my cheeks.
Do I hide them from you?
How do I dare think you can accept me when I cry?
What I have heard is this:
"Stop crying! Stop feeling!
You are wrong! You are weak!"
I still seem to believe that this is the truth.
It hurts so much to hear this.
Help me believe that it does not have to be true.
I need to tell you who I am.
I want to share with you.
I need to feel safe to show you all of me.
Do I dare?
If you are like my father
Or if you are like my mother
And so many others who were in my life,
Then you will abandon me...
Then you will reject me...
Then you will betray me...
And I can't take that anymore....
I can't stop feeling...
If I do I will explode...
I can't stop crying..
Because I have no defenses left...
I want to be me..I want to feel loved.
For too long I have tried to find my worth in others..
For too long I have searched for help, for love in others..
Through others...
I know it will never work...
But now I am so afraid....
What will you say when I tell you...
What will you do when I share...
Everything about me....
When I dare to become open...trusting....hoping...
Will you withdraw?
Will you stop communicating?
Will I see contempt in your eyes?
If you do that...
If I feel that...
And if I see that....
I will shut down again
I will pretend again...
I will be a false person again...behind walls...
But what is worse...
I will abandon, reject and betray myself
And I will hate myself.
I may push you away
Because how can I believe you
When I don't believe in myself?
So how do I dare show you the real me
When I can't stand her myself?
I know I have to believe and trust in myself.
I have to accept myself.
But I need you to help me,
I need you to hold me,
I need you to support me,
I need you to listen to me without telling me what to do,
I need you to understand that right now I feel so confused,
So lonely,
So very sad.
So please,don't tell me not to feel.
Don't tell me not to cry.
Don't you see...it is part of me.
The part that needs to know it may exist.
The part that needs to heal.
The innocent child in me....
The hurting part...
The feeling part
Without that part I will die...
And I am so afraid...
Because it will be the end of me...
Forever.....
Please, help me.....
I have tried so hard to make others like me
I have tried so hard to change myself
I have tried so hard to be strong...
I can't do it anymore..
I don't want to anymore..
I need you...
I cannot do it alone..
I want to believe you will listen...
I want to believe that you care...
So I WILL dare..
I am asking you...
"Please, help me,
I know you can't do it for me,
Even though it seems that this is what I want
I know it will not help me,
Because I will stay weak and hopeless...
Just be there for me...
Listen to me...
Carry me a little way...
Give me hope ...
Accept me as I am...
And as you tell me I'm ok...
You will help me accept myself...
And I will feel stronger...
I will grow and change...
I will learn to be there for me...
And you will see my tears turn into smiles...
Just let me be me.....
Please..."
Elisabeth Leonore
Copyrighted 1998-2001
