December 27, 1992
Something is wrong, I can't go on.
I want to die, to not feel pain.
I cannot take this pressure.
Nobody cares, there is no love.
Suicide must be the answer.
The Ultimate Death.
It isn't me who can be blamed.
I am the one who's perfect.
I work, I give, I have no fun.
My husband, he is guilty.
He needs to change for me.
The Ultimate Denial.
Such pain, such fear, such loneliness.
Such panic, but where can I go?
I feel so bad, there's nagging doubt.
My body and my mind scream out,
And my emotions rage.
The Ultimate Pain.
The healing starts.
Peace at the lake.
A caring, loving friend.
I can confide, I can be me.
Music and words are born.
The Ultimate Friendship.
Returning home. A flash of light.
Intense and awesome sharing.
Two bodies, minds, emotions merge.
There is true giving, caring.
A new start will be given.
The Ultimate Love.
The friend comes here.
My husband laughs and shares his time,
With her alone it seems.
I feel left out. I'm hurt again.
I cook, I serve, I give.
I need to smarten up, so says my friend.
I made the choice, I kicked him out.
It's all my fault.
The neediness returns in force.
My husband sees the 'weakness.'
He tells my friend in rage,
"Can't stand her when she is like this."
They leave together, I'm alone.
Hurt and shattered, full of fear.
The healing was in vain.
The Ultimate Rejection.
The husband leaves the house for good.
To me: there goes my life.
This agony, this loneliness.
The panic is back, there 's no one there,
To see my raging pain.
The Ultimate Fear.
I've lost so much, what can I do?
How will the hours go by?
So many tears, so many cries.
A pit of hurt and loneliness.
I'm afraid I can't survive.
The Ultimate Grief.
I start to read, I understand,
My past has played a role.
My choice of partners now is clear.
The road is hard, but I'll make it through.
I start to share, ask about "us".
The Ultimate Hope.
The growling beast that tears at me,
Was hiding in the jungle.
Two lovers are entwined in heat,
In the ecstasy of belonging.
Is this the friend who held me close?
The Ultimate Betrayal.
The husband smiles when he says, "Of course."
I think of them together,
Relating, talking, sharing, laughing.
While planning for their future,
They walk our dog along the lake.
The Ultimate Abandonment.
The pain is roaring deep inside.
The agony is choking.
Such loss and grief envelop me,
But: a hand is near, a voice gives strength.
The Ultimate Healing.
The child within, with its great fears:
Abandonment and betrayal,
Feels hope again and shows its trust.
Child and adult merge, and it's possible,
To let husband and friend, go with love.
The Ultimate Gift.
The pain subsides, I'm being purged,
The hatred and resentment leave.
I'm learning how to love myself.
The voids are filled with beauty.
I can finally be free.
The Ultimate Peace.
I will go on, my God is near,
To guide, to help, to teach.
My future will be filled with joy.
My heart will heal, it will know love.
I feel the change, I am reborn!
The Ultimate Life.
Elisabeth Leonore
Copyrighted 1992-2001
