February 8, 1996
In 1943, in a town in the Netherlands, a baby girl is born.
She is created in the image of God: perfect, innocent, pure and without sin.
But the sins of the fathers, which visit the children
To the third and the fourth generation, will visit her too,
And she will not know that the doors to abandonment, abuse and betrayal,
Will be opened in her psyche, whereas the doors to hope, faith and love,
Slowly but surely will be closed.
She will not realize that the open doors are going to cause her pain, panic, fear, terror,
shame, guilt, helplessness, hopelessness and extreme loneliness.
She will learn:
From her parents, from her siblings, from her peers, but most of all from her religion.
She will hear VOICES: Yelling, accusing, condemning, ridiculing.
She will feel HANDS: Hitting her and touching her in forbidden places.
She will experience BODIES: Using her and then casting her aside.
She will be taught that the MALE: Is all powerful and always right.
And that she is nothing unless there is a male in her life.
She will learn that GOD: Is a vengeful God ,who maybe able to love her
If she is good, perfect, obedient and quiet.
These experiences and lessons will be influencing her life.
How could she ever question anything that she was taught?
She was only a child, and she was only a girl.
It was her only reality.
And so: she learned and believed.
How could she know that voices can give praise, can be tender,
Can talk about feelings, emotions and love?
The voices she heard when she was a girl, said:
"You're bad, you're fat, you're cross-eyed,
You're dumb, you're ugly, you're sinful, you're lazy, you're selfish,
You can do better, your marks need to be higher,
You're boy-crazy, you're a filthy slut!"
And the result of these words was,
That she could neither recognize nor dare to accept words of praise or love.
How could she trust that hands can caress and comfort her?
The first touches that she remembered from her parents,
Were beatings, because she was bad.
Her father hit her when she was two,
Because she tattle-taled on her brother.
Her mother hit her when she was three,
Because she did not want a daughter
Who was afraid and crying
When she was dragged to school.
Her mother also hit her when she was four,
Because she did not feel like comforting her little girl
Who was crying in fear after a scary nightmare.
And that was only the beginning.
There were many more beatings after that.
One of them so bad, that her back was bruised a dark blue,
And she could only lay on her stomach.
She was hit when she fell and broke her wrist:
"How stupid to fall!"
And there were often slaps in the face.
The physical signs disappeared,
But the emotional pain stayed and it was hidden deep inside.
The messages were clear:
"You have no right to be afraid, or to feel or show pain,
And crying is not allowed."
And the internalized message stayed:
"I am bad, I deserve to be punished, I am flawed and worthless."
And then there were touches from other adult males.
One of them was a storekeeper.
He fondled her and touched her "down there."
He told her that he loved her.
Somehow she knew that the touches were wrong,
But how could she voice it?
Wasn't she taught that the male is always right?
And besides that, wasn't it nice that he gave her candies?
She believed that she was loved.
She was only nine.
And then there was her girlfriend's grandfather.
He visited her in her bedroom in the middle of the night.
He also told her that he loved her, and he probed deep inside her.
She was only eleven.
Later on there were more abusers: people she trusted and loved.
The message she already had learned was clear:
"You will be loved when you allow your body to be touched,
So you have to make sure it looks good,
And you have to show males that they can do what they want."
The result of these touches was
That she could neither recognize nor accept healthy touch.
How could she believe that bodies can hug, give joy and warmth.
She was born in the war and her mother had no milk for her.
She cannot remember her parents holding or comforting her.
There was no talk about the beauty of her body,
And the gift of her sexuality.
And then there was the rape.
When she was eleven, she went to a Christian summer camp.
She was told that Jesus loved her.
When she accepted Him in her heart,
She experienced an unconditional love for the first time in her life.
One of the leaders called himself her spiritual father.
She believed him and was so happy to be loved by him.
When he came to visit her at home, he 'showed' his love by raping her.
Her body was used and violated, and then cast aside.
That's how she learned that she was actually only a thing, or worse, a 'no'thing,
And she did not realize that she had been robbed,
Because her innocence had been taken away from her.
And the result of these violations of her body was,
That she did not know she deserved to be loved,
And that she could neither enjoy nor dare celebrate her sexuality.
How could she believe that God loved her unconditionally,
Just because she was who she was.
She was told that she was born in sin,
And that she deserved eternal damnation.
How could she see that life was beautiful and rewarding,
When so much appeared to be geared towards doing things to please Him?
And because this God expected her to be without flaws,
She believed that any behavior that was not perfect,
Would be punished, and that she would go to hell.
And the result of these teachings was,
That she tried to be as perfect as possible,
And that she could neither relax, not dare enjoy life.
How could she ever think that males were any less than gods?
The first male in her life was her father.
And because she idolized him, considering him to be perfect,
The God of her childhood had her father's face.
She was not aware that she was petrified of this God,
And consequently she also did not realize that she was afraid of her father.
She was not aware that he was human, like her.
And she did not know that many of his actions were wrong.
She did not know that she had rights.
Because she believed that what he did and said was always right.
She thought that it was normal
That he really was not present most of the time.
He certainly was not there emotionally.
She learned to be quiet and to conform..
She was very afraid of doing things wrong,
Because transgressions were punished harshly.
Apparently it said in the Bible that man was born in sin,
Which seemed to mean that children were bad,
And that this had to be beaten out of them.
The Bible apparently also taught that women were less than men,
Which seemed to mean that men had more rights.
And she learned that these rights could be used at will.
Meaning that the male could control, show contempt,
Ridicule, hit, use and abuse,
And that the female had to be obedient.
And because emotions were considered to be weak,
She learned to hide, numb and ignore them.
And a big part of her identity would be denied.
The reality of her past would become her future reality.
She would look for males who would be like her father:
Males who were often emotionally unavailable.
Males who would show contempt for her by putting her down.
Males who could use her, because,
They sensed that she would do anything to please them,
In order to feel accepted, connected and loved.
And because she was not shown that she had the right to stand up for herself,
She allowed them to do what they wanted.
And she waited for them to show her that she was possibly worth while.
She learned many lessons from her father,
Which would cause her much unhappiness.
But how could she have known
That it is possible to truly connect with a male,
And that it is all right to be vulnerable and sad, without the deep fear
Of being rejected or feeling abandoned?
The first male in her life did not teach her.
And the result of these lessons was,
That she could neither recognize nor accept, a male who could truly love her.
And then there was the first female: her mother.
She also would teach many lessons by her example.
And those lessons were certainly just as powerful:
"You shall not have any wants or needs.
You shall always make sure that you are busy,
And that you are giving everything to others.
You will not ever give to yourself because that is definitely sinful and selfish.
And because you will always be busy, you will not allow yourself to have fun or to relax..
A male is giving you an identity, so you will sacrifice everything for him.
You will allow him to do as he pleases, without ever questioning his motives.
You will be responsible for his well-being,
And you will cater to his needs.
You are also too dumb to make decisions,
So you will leave the decision making to him.
And you will accept his control, his abuse and his moods.
You will not learn anything positive about your body.
It is sinful and not to be enjoyed.
You shall not be intimate with a man before you're married,
Because the Bible says that it is forbidden,
And you will be punished if you do.
Your body is to be controlled by your husband.
He may use it as he pleases,
And should you feel anything good,
You really ought to feel guilty about that,
Because, sex is only for procreation."
The result of all her mother's lessons was,
That she could neither develop a healthy self-esteem nor enjoy her uniqueness.
All these lessons from her parents will cause the emergence of a false person.
Someone who will try to live up to the expectations
She believes others to have of her.
This someone also has no idea of who she is.
And she will become a chameleon,
Changing herself in order to be accepted.
And behaviors will be "born" that are very dysfunctional:
Since she has no self-worth, she will try to find it outside of herself.
She will become a controller, a manipulator, a victim and a martyr,
She will hide in work, study, people-pleasing and rescuing,
She will develop an addictive personality,
She will see things in black and white only,
And this will cause her to become bitter, resentful, judging and blaming.
It will also make her self-righteous,
And she will think that she is either better or worse than others.
All these behaviors will cause her and others much pain,
But they are going to help her survive for many years to come.
The sad thing is that she is not aware of these behaviors,
Because the memories of her childhood, will be buried until she is 49 years old.
Elisabeth Leonore
Copyrighted 1996-2001
