November 24, 1992
I'm wearing masks, so many masks,
But none of them is me.
Pretending is an art, and yet a heavy task.
It's now a second nature and the truth can not be seen.
WHO AM I?
I give to each the impression,
That security, happiness, peace, confidence and strength
Are mine.
But beneath this facade,
Is so much pain.
And there is fear, panic, hopelessness, confusion and loneliness.
WHO AM I?
I seem to loose myself and I believe I lost a big part of me,
When I was with you.
I didn't know it then, because I was afraid.
I could not tell you, I did not dare.
Because the few times that I tried,
You shut me out.
And often your glance showed me
That you could not accept nor love me.
I often saw contempt.
And many of your remarks felt like knives.
There were times I felt as if they could kill me.
And deep down I was so afraid that I was nothing.
WHO AM I?
So I played my games,
In fear of your cool rejections.
I could not tell you when I needed you most.
And I continued my routines,
Of strong and competent career woman,
Even though I wanted to be only your woman.
For survival I learned to hide my feelings:
My pain, my panic, my tears and my loneliness.
And I built my walls stronger than ever.
WHO AM I?
I need someone!
I don't want to hide anymore!
I don't like to play these superficial games!
I need someone to be there for me!
I want to be genuine and spontaneous!
I want to be me, also when I hurt!
I do not want to be rejected anymore!
I want to hold someone's hand!
I want to feel someone's arms around,me!
I need my tears to come!
I need to show my pain!
I want to feel alive!
I want my walls to go,
And let the real me come out!
I need to be released,
From this shadow-world of panic,
From this uncertainty,
From this lonely prison!
WHO AM I?
I've played my roles:
I was a daughter.
I was a wife.
I am a sister, a mother, a teacher, a student and a friend.
BUT...
WHO AM I?
Oh, God, this fear, this pain, this panic!
Help me find out who I am and who I can become!
Elisabeth Leonore
Copyrighted 1992-2001
